Valentines Day is so different when you have been with the same man for over 12 years (married for seven). I remember the first time I went to visit him at school. We were newly dating and it happened to be Valentines Day. Oh the pressure! Do I get him a gift? Do we even acknowledge it’s Valentines Day? Is he going to get me anything? If he does, is he into this more than I am? If he doesn’t maybe he’s not into this at all?
It turned out to be the perfect Valentines Day for a new couple. We had dinner as if it was any other night, but when we got back to his apartment, he surprised me with homemade molten chocolate cakes. Um, a guy who not only cooks, but can make his own molten lava cake? I probably knew I was going to marry him right then.
I’ve always hated Valentines Day. I never had a proper Valentine. I swear I was jinxed by my 8th grade boyfriend. We will just call him asshole. Asshole dumped me the night before Vday when I was in 8th grade. And to make it even worse, my so-called best friend knew it was going to happen, went with me to buy him cards and a gift, and didn’t tell me. What a bitch! And what an asshole! Who dumps his girlfriend the night before Valentines Day? I had already picked out my outfit. It was going to be my first real Valentines Day. Of course my life was over. I couldn’t show my face at school the next day. My mom made me go anyway and I hated her for 48 hours.
Once I got to college, Valentines Day became Galentines Day. There was the year my single girlfriends and I bought 10 pints of ice cream and 10 spoons, passed them around and watched chick flicks all night. And lets not forget the year my sorority sisters and I made pot brownies at the house using the toaster oven in the basement. Good times! Amazing times!
Once I started dating my husband, I loved Valentines Day. I finally had a Valentine! What fabulous place would he be taking me for dinner? What creative gift would he get me? What sexy gift could I give him?
Now, Vday is just like any other day. We always do cards, but don’t always do gifts. Sometimes we set a $25 limit to see how creative we can be at that budget. We’ve stopped going out to dinner. All the restaurants here do a set menu and jack up the prices. These are all restaurants we go to regularly and it makes us angry. What can I say, we are food snobs!
When you’re a mom, what you want for Valentines Day completely changes. My toddler stayed quiet in his room until 7:45 this morning…the best gift he could have given me. I actually had the time to shower and dry my hair in peace. We went food shopping which I’m so happy about because it means I don’t have any errands to do tomorrow. I got to binge watch three episodes of a show while my husband entertained our toddler. And our toddler went to bed without a fight and without any tears. No “one more book.” No screaming. No negotiating. A perfect day!
I wasn’t planning on blogging today. But I’ve been thinking a lot about my week and I just had to write my thoughts down. When I posted my last blog, four of my closest friends freaked out. They all agreed I need to communicate my feelings to my husband. I agree. And I will…in my own time. That time is coming very soon. I promised them and I meant it. They wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything impulsive or stupid like run away or have an affair. I reassured them that while yes, I’m going through a bit of a midlife crisis, I won’t do either of those things. They worried about my husband’s feelings and what he would think about the fact that I put our sex life out there for the masses to read. Well, I think I only have about 10 readers and I think he will have to learn to be okay with it…because writing my truth has become my everything, my life line. I think he will understand, eventually.
Earlier this week, my husband and I attended the funeral of a close friend’s father. He had been sick for a long time, but that doesn’t make losing a loved one any easier. At the funeral, crying while our friend broke down reading a eulogy for his dad, my husband held my hand. He held my hand when we left temple, arrived at the cemetery, and watched as they lowered the coffin into the ground. He held my hand the next night when we went back to temple for Shiva. He always holds my hand.
The next night he made me hard-boiled eggs, steak, and chicken so I could have a few protein days. He was in the kitchen way past our bed time. Yesterday afternoon, he let me nap for two hours because he knew I was crashing. While I slept, he emptied the dishwasher and put all the groceries away. Last night he made my dinner smoothie. I didn’t ask him to do any of this. The point is, he is a good man and even though I’m going through a mid life crisis about motherhood, marriage, and sex, I’m not going anywhere. I do plan to talk to him honestly and openly about all of this when I’m ready and I’m getting more and more ready by the day. And I’m hopeful that this experience will just help us grow together as I figure all my shit out.
And maybe that’s why Valentines Day isn’t a big deal when you have been with your person for years. Because in a way, it’s just like any other day. My husband doesn’t need a holiday to do the things he does everyday. He did get me two beautiful orchids and lots of cards and I’m pretty sure he ordered the pajamas I’ve been wanting. He told me not to get him a gift. But I did anyway. A tin of heart shaped Nestle crunch bars (his favorite chocolate)…and a blow job. Okay, maybe Vday isn’t necessarily like every other day. He doesn’t get a blowjob everyday!
Happy Valentines Day to all!