The Greatest Gift on Mother’s Day: To Be Left Alone

What does your perfect Mother’s Day look like? If you could have any gift you want, what would it be? I’m sure I could list a bunch of materialistic shit like that Navy Chanel I believe belongs on my arm. Or those way overpriced but equally hot Aquazurra red Wild Thing sandals that would just look amazeballs on my pedicured feet. And what about that pave diamond owl necklace perfect for layering that my neck is just screaming for to symbolize what a wise woman and mommy I am? A girl can never have too much jewelry or bags or shoes and I am one of those girls. I own it. I know I can be spoiled and materialistic, but it’s okay because I’m a nice, thoughtful person too and there is so much more to me than the stuff I like to wear. And I really don’t want any of that stuff anyway.

Do you know what I really want on Mother’s Day? To be alone! I love you husband and son, but if you want to give me the best Mother’s Day gift you could possibly think of, then go away–just for part of the day–together. Or send me away somewhere–like the spa. Sometimes this mommy just wants to, okay needs to be left alone. Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. Do I care? Absolutely not.

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The Stages of Date Night for Parents of a 3 Year-Old Boy

The Morning of Date Night: 
Mommy just has to make it through the morning routine–get tiny human dressed, fed, and dropped off at school. Then it’s just pick up from school, nap time, and movie in Mommy’s bed while she gets ready.  Should be easy and smooth sailing until tiny human’s uncle picks up him up for a sleepover.
Mommy thinks maybe she will have the energy for some post-date night sex. Mommy makes mental note to remember to shave her legs and moisturize.
The Afternoon of Date Night:
4:00PM – Wake up from light nap
4:15PM – Slightly panic as I walk to get son from nap/quiet time because monitor shows
                he is not in his bed anymore.
4:16PM – Open door to see quiet time was not so quiet.
4:17PM – Silently scream and curse because son looks like a mime as his arms, face and
                hair are covered in white from a mix of cream from the sunscreen tube and
                moisturizer pump he took off his dresser.

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If Campowerment Were the Oscars…I Would Like to Thank My Husband

When I first launched my blog back in January, I made an agreement with my husband.  He knew I was writing but he wouldn’t try to find my blog or read any posts until I told him I was ready. I had always planned to talk to him about everything right before I decided to go public. He fully supported this. He wasn’t concerned. He didn’t ask questions. My close friends and sister? Not so much.

If you know me, you know that there is no bullshit. No sugar-coating. Just open, honest truth. I’m not afraid to share, tell you how I feel, and I own my shit and who I am.  I always planned to bring this to my blog. As I started writing my truth about motherhood, marriage, and sex, in came the frantic text messages and phone calls from various friends and family members.

Does my husband know what I’m writing about? Does he know how I feel about our sex life? Do I talk to him about what I write for the world to read? Jen, are you okay? Jen, are you going to do something impulsive like have an affair or run away? Jen, should we be concerned? Jen, do we need to come down to the South for an intervention?

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Thoughts on Valentines Day…

Valentines Day is so different when you have been with the same man for over 12 years (married for seven). I remember the first time I went to visit him at school. We were newly dating and it happened to be Valentines Day. Oh the pressure! Do I get him a gift? Do we even acknowledge it’s Valentines Day? Is he going to get me anything? If he does, is he into this more than I am? If he doesn’t maybe he’s not into this at all?

It turned out to be the perfect Valentines Day for a new couple. We had dinner as if it was any other night, but when we got back to his apartment, he surprised me with homemade molten chocolate cakes. Um, a guy who not only cooks, but can make his own molten lava cake? I probably knew I was going to marry him right then.

I’ve always hated Valentines Day. I never had a proper Valentine. I swear I was jinxed by my 8th grade boyfriend. We will just call him asshole. Asshole dumped me the night before Vday when I was in 8th grade. And to make it even worse, my so-called best friend knew it was going to happen, went with me to buy him cards and a gift, and didn’t tell me. What a bitch! And what an asshole! Who dumps his girlfriend the night before Valentines Day? I had already picked out my outfit. It was going to be my first real Valentines Day. Of course my life was over. I couldn’t show my face at school the next day. My mom made me go anyway and I hated her for 48 hours.

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New 2016 Goal: Be Jenna Dewan Tatum

OMG! Holy fuck! You need to watch the above clip from Celebrity Lip Sync Battle where Jenna Dewan-Tatum competes against her gorgeous husband, Channing Tatum. She performs Pony, as in Channing’s beyond sexy, stripper dance routine from MAGIC MIKE XXL. Holy hotness! I think she might be hotter than him! I have a new girl crush and it’s Jenna and her abs and her moves. Um why can’t I dance like that? Don’t you think that Jenna and Tatum have the hottest, craziest sex? Well that’s what I would like to think! And if I’m being honest, I’m incredibly jealous. So my new 2016 goal? Be Jenna Dewan-Tatum! Here is a list of everything I will need to do to accomplish this goal.

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