The Greatest Gift on Mother’s Day: To Be Left Alone

What does your perfect Mother’s Day look like? If you could have any gift you want, what would it be? I’m sure I could list a bunch of materialistic shit like that Navy Chanel I believe belongs on my arm. Or those way overpriced but equally hot Aquazurra red Wild Thing sandals that would just look amazeballs on my pedicured feet. And what about that pave diamond owl necklace perfect for layering that my neck is just screaming for to symbolize what a wise woman and mommy I am? A girl can never have too much jewelry or bags or shoes and I am one of those girls. I own it. I know I can be spoiled and materialistic, but it’s okay because I’m a nice, thoughtful person too and there is so much more to me than the stuff I like to wear. And I really don’t want any of that stuff anyway.

Do you know what I really want on Mother’s Day? To be alone! I love you husband and son, but if you want to give me the best Mother’s Day gift you could possibly think of, then go away–just for part of the day–together. Or send me away somewhere–like the spa. Sometimes this mommy just wants to, okay needs to be left alone. Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. Do I care? Absolutely not.

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The Stages of Date Night for Parents of a 3 Year-Old Boy

The Morning of Date Night: 
Mommy just has to make it through the morning routine–get tiny human dressed, fed, and dropped off at school. Then it’s just pick up from school, nap time, and movie in Mommy’s bed while she gets ready.  Should be easy and smooth sailing until tiny human’s uncle picks up him up for a sleepover.
Mommy thinks maybe she will have the energy for some post-date night sex. Mommy makes mental note to remember to shave her legs and moisturize.
The Afternoon of Date Night:
4:00PM – Wake up from light nap
4:15PM – Slightly panic as I walk to get son from nap/quiet time because monitor shows
                he is not in his bed anymore.
4:16PM – Open door to see quiet time was not so quiet.
4:17PM – Silently scream and curse because son looks like a mime as his arms, face and
                hair are covered in white from a mix of cream from the sunscreen tube and
                moisturizer pump he took off his dresser.

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If Campowerment Were the Oscars…I Would Like to Thank My Husband

When I first launched my blog back in January, I made an agreement with my husband.  He knew I was writing but he wouldn’t try to find my blog or read any posts until I told him I was ready. I had always planned to talk to him about everything right before I decided to go public. He fully supported this. He wasn’t concerned. He didn’t ask questions. My close friends and sister? Not so much.

If you know me, you know that there is no bullshit. No sugar-coating. Just open, honest truth. I’m not afraid to share, tell you how I feel, and I own my shit and who I am.  I always planned to bring this to my blog. As I started writing my truth about motherhood, marriage, and sex, in came the frantic text messages and phone calls from various friends and family members.

Does my husband know what I’m writing about? Does he know how I feel about our sex life? Do I talk to him about what I write for the world to read? Jen, are you okay? Jen, are you going to do something impulsive like have an affair or run away? Jen, should we be concerned? Jen, do we need to come down to the South for an intervention?

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Thoughts on Valentines Day…

Valentines Day is so different when you have been with the same man for over 12 years (married for seven). I remember the first time I went to visit him at school. We were newly dating and it happened to be Valentines Day. Oh the pressure! Do I get him a gift? Do we even acknowledge it’s Valentines Day? Is he going to get me anything? If he does, is he into this more than I am? If he doesn’t maybe he’s not into this at all?

It turned out to be the perfect Valentines Day for a new couple. We had dinner as if it was any other night, but when we got back to his apartment, he surprised me with homemade molten chocolate cakes. Um, a guy who not only cooks, but can make his own molten lava cake? I probably knew I was going to marry him right then.

I’ve always hated Valentines Day. I never had a proper Valentine. I swear I was jinxed by my 8th grade boyfriend. We will just call him asshole. Asshole dumped me the night before Vday when I was in 8th grade. And to make it even worse, my so-called best friend knew it was going to happen, went with me to buy him cards and a gift, and didn’t tell me. What a bitch! And what an asshole! Who dumps his girlfriend the night before Valentines Day? I had already picked out my outfit. It was going to be my first real Valentines Day. Of course my life was over. I couldn’t show my face at school the next day. My mom made me go anyway and I hated her for 48 hours.

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Is it Cheating if it’s Only a Dream?

We can’t control what we dream about. If you can, I want to know your secret. What are you doing before bed that I don’t know about? If it’s drinking one glass of wine too many…yeah that’s not working for me! Sex? Not much these days…

So what if you have a sex dream about someone you know? I’m talking about someone you really know…that lives in the small town you live in, that you hang out with. Someone whose kids do activities and go to birthday parties with your kid? Is it cheating because you know him that well? Because he is a good friend of your husband?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had sex dreams before but they are always about celebrities…even an ex boyfriend makes an appearance once in a while. People you know from a distance and have zero chance of seeing. There is no remote possibility that you will run into them right after you sex dream about them.

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Husbands Say the Darnedest Things…

I would like to preface this blog by saying that my husband was a rockstar last week. I was away for five days and he watched our son without many breaks. He had to stay home from work to take him to the doctor for a stomach bug. He got stuck at home with him during a snowstorm. He was a champ. Maybe I should also say that these are things moms do all the time, things I do all the time (my husband travels for work), often without any recognition…

Anyways, we all know that moms and dads are different. I always understood that men and women are different species. We all know the saying, “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” blah blah blah. But I never realized it more than when I became a mom. Yes, my husband loves our son. Yes he takes great care of him and is a wonderful dad, but it’s just not the same as being a mom. It never will be. There are things our husbands, the fathers of our children just don’t get, no matter how many times we try to tell them. They never will, no matter how badly we want them to. I am constantly reminded of this fact by some of the dumb shit my husband says from time to time. As a way to slowly accept this fact, I’ve decided to write some of them down. Let’s start with three recent ones.

Husband: “You don’t need to have a glass of wine until after we do bath and put him to bed.”
Me, inside my head:
Seriously? Just because you can’t multitask…I’m more than capable of drinking with with one hand and helping you bathe and get our son to bed with the other.

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Who Do You Groom For?

I’m a huge believer in personal grooming. I’m talking shaving, waxing, threading, plucking, manicure, pedicure, whatever you need to feel like a woman. Moms, I know this can be a lot of work. An extra chore on the never-ending to do list. Some days we are lucky if we fit a shower in. You probably even ask yourself, does anyone even notice my hairy legs, overgrown bikini line, and unpolished fingers and toes under the sweatpants or Lulu Lemon? Does your husband even notice after a long day of work and hyperactive children? But more importantly, don’t you notice?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. As the mom of an almost three year old, my body isn’t seeing a ton of action these days. So in theory, I could skip my monthly Brazilian bikini wax or go an extra week without shaving my legs. Right? I mean does my husband even notice? And yet, I always stay on top of waxing down there. When I was pregnant, I never missed my monthly appointment. Even when it got to the point where I could barely see my vagina, it was still waxed!. No hair down there on this girl during labor! And I always go for regular mani pedis. Eyebrows? Plucked or threaded as needed. Shaving my legs? Since it is winter, I probably do this once a week, but I keep thinking, who am I really shaving for?

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Thank You Husband…Maybe You’ll Get Lucky Later!

My husband did something extremely nice for me today. Not that he doesn’t do nice things for me, but I’m actually a bit shocked over this one. My father in law offered us two of his Panthers football tickets last week for today’s playoff game. It’s a big game. They only have to win one more to make it to the Super Bowl. Let me first specify that we are New York Giants fans. But since we live here and the Giants well, basically sucked this season, we will support the home team. Ok, not the home team, the team that plays where we live. New York is still home. Of course I couldn’t find a babysitter for a Sunday afternoon game. I just assumed that husband would go to the game leaving me to babysit our small child because that’s how it always works. He decided that if we both couldn’t go we would give away the tickets. Fair enough…works for me!

So as we sit at breakfast this morning with my father in law and inform him of our decision, he gives me the death stare, as if I”m some asshole wife preventing his son from attending a football game that he barely even cares about. I did tell husband he should go if he wanted to go and I told father in law that. Not good enough! Wow, I didn’t know that built in babysitter for sporting events was part of my job description too. But then my husband suggests I go to the game! I wanted to say “Yes, I’ll go,” immediately. But doesn’t that make me such a bitch?

Here I am not wanting my husband to go without me but I have absolutely no problem going without him, while he stays at home to babysit. OK, I’ll go! Of course I asked him about 50 times if he was sure it was okay. And he said, “Yes, of course it’s okay!” He reminded me that I haven’t been to any games this season in the new seats and that he always gets to go while I stay home to watch our son. None of the “do what you want” bullshit! Whoa! I should also now specify that my husband is a nicer human being than me. Even when he drives me nuts, even when I complain or bitch or moan, he is still a nicer human than me. So I went to the game and didn’t look back!

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New 2016 Goal: Be Jenna Dewan Tatum

OMG! Holy fuck! You need to watch the above clip from Celebrity Lip Sync Battle where Jenna Dewan-Tatum competes against her gorgeous husband, Channing Tatum. She performs Pony, as in Channing’s beyond sexy, stripper dance routine from MAGIC MIKE XXL. Holy hotness! I think she might be hotter than him! I have a new girl crush and it’s Jenna and her abs and her moves. Um why can’t I dance like that? Don’t you think that Jenna and Tatum have the hottest, craziest sex? Well that’s what I would like to think! And if I’m being honest, I’m incredibly jealous. So my new 2016 goal? Be Jenna Dewan-Tatum! Here is a list of everything I will need to do to accomplish this goal.

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