The Morning of Date Night:
Mommy just has to make it through the morning routine–get tiny human dressed, fed, and dropped off at school. Then it’s just pick up from school, nap time, and movie in Mommy’s bed while she gets ready. Should be easy and smooth sailing until tiny human’s uncle picks up him up for a sleepover.
Mommy thinks maybe she will have the energy for some post-date night sex. Mommy makes mental note to remember to shave her legs and moisturize.
The Afternoon of Date Night:
4:00PM – Wake up from light nap
4:15PM – Slightly panic as I walk to get son from nap/quiet time because monitor shows
he is not in his bed anymore.
4:16PM – Open door to see quiet time was not so quiet.
4:17PM – Silently scream and curse because son looks like a mime as his arms, face and
hair are covered in white from a mix of cream from the sunscreen tube and
moisturizer pump he took off his dresser.
4:18PM – Look around to see that son has ripped the CD player out from the wall,
dumped his books and CDs out of their bins, opened his child-proofed closet to
take his cowboy boots out, and his expensive Stark rug is now grey check with
large white patches from same combination of sunscreen and moisturizer.
4:18PM – Smell poop and glance left at changing table to notice a full diaper of shit that
son has taken off his body. He is still wearing sweatpants and now cowboy
4:19PM – Look over at son to see him smiling and wonder if I am raising a sociopath.
4:20PM – Wishing I could engage in the fun kind of 4-20 activities but realize I might not
have time to shower and shave my legs for date night because I need to bathe
my son and get all the shit and cream off his body.
4:21PM – Son makes sure to tell me not to forget to clean his cowboy boot covered in
4:22PM – Son reminds me he is supposed to watch a movie in my bed after his bath is
4:25PM – Get son in bath and decide that getting him cleaned up and having time to
shower, shave, and get dressed in non-work out clothes is more important than
cleaning the mess in son’s room.
4:45PM – Place clean son in bed, put a movie on, and finally shower.
5:15PM – Change four times because nothing looks right. Son instructs me to close the
bathroom door when I dry my hair so he can hear the movie.
Right before Date Night:
6:15PM – Answer phone call from Husband who is late. “Where are you? I need to leave
NOW. Do you want to know what your son did this afternoon? Good, I’ll tell you.
I need to drink wine…NOW.”
6:30PM – The dog starts barking which means Husband and Uncle are here. “Finally!
6:32PM – Tell Husband he needs to hurry up and change and welcome Uncle inside. “He’s
6:34PM – Son reminds Uncle he needs more toys at his house before they get there.
6:40PM – Look for but can’t find son’s favorite sippy cup of water to send with him.
6:50PM – Son leaves for the toy store with Uncle.
6:55PM – Mommy and Daddy leave for long anticipated date night.
Mommy and Daddy see Kevin Smith at The Comedy Zone. He is fucking awesome and Mommy feels like his talk about creating and honest self-expression is meant specifically for her. Mommy has a glass of wine due to her son’s earlier behavior but sticks to Whole30 eating and considers this a win.
Post Date Night Arrival at Home:
10:30PM – Do not cross go, do not go straight to the bedroom and rip each other’s
10:32PM – Clean dog’s three different puddles of pee in the kitchen.
10:35PM – Tag team son’s room with husband and clean all poop, change his sheets and
changing table cover which are covered in poop, strip chair of slip cover also
covered in poop, and throw everything in washing machine.
10:50PM – Look at each other and immediately and mutually agree to pay someone to
clean the cream off the rug because we are too tired and have no idea where
to even begin.
10:52PM – Remember the cowboy boot covered in cream and clean it with baby wipes.
10:57PM – Force myself to remove eye make up and wash face before getting into bed.
11:05PM – Finally about to get into bed and find the missing sippy cup…in the bed
emptied of water and responsible for the currently soaked sheets and duvet
11:10PM – The only thing getting blown tonight are the wet sheets and duvet cover.
11:30PM – Lights off. Sleep is the new sex on this date night.
Last night was a bonus date night. Tuesday is our regular date night. Let’s try this again…