Remember your high school yearbook? Remember senior year of high school when you voted for people to be “most likely to or best” and least likely to or worst?” Usually it was just your gold old-fashioned popularity contest and the most well-known students won every category anyway.
But what if motherhood had it’s own high school year book? Let’s be honest, sometimes motherhood can feel like high school, even though it shouldn’t (yes mean, judgy mommies I’m looking at you). Motherhood is definitely not a popularity contest or a competition, at least for me it’s not. I might be jealous if your kid asks for vegetables over cookies, poops in the potty and not occasionally on the floor, and never wakes up in the middle of the night, but every child is different, right? Some days I don’t even care if my own child likes me so I definitely don’t give a shit if all adults like me.
But if motherhood had its own superlatives, what would they be?
1. Most likely to have an army of children.
2. Most likely to appear like she has it all together (but not so much).
3. Most likely to never breastfeed.
4. Most likely to breastfeed until child can ask for milk using a complete sentence.
5. Most likely to volunteer for her child’s everything.
6. Most likely to send the nanny (or Grandma).
7. Most likely to be on the playground bench paying more attention to her iPhone.
8. Best dressed in sweatpants.
9. Best “I couldn’t give a fuck how my hair looks right now” look.
10. Most likely to look like a homeless woman at drop-off.
11. Most likely to be wearing workout clothes but not actually going to work out.
12. Most likely to serve alcohol at playdates.
13. Most likely to have children who swear just as much their mommy does.
14. Most likely to develop an ice cream addiction.
15. Most likely to develop an online shopping addiction.
16. Most likely to use iPads and TVs as free babysitting.
17. Best microwaver of food/orderer of delivery.
18. Worst crafter ever.
19. Most likely to have epic breakdowns about what’s probably not a big deal in the long run.
20. Most likely to skip bath time due to laziness or exhaustion.
21. Most likely to lead the movement for her neighborhood liquor store to have drive thru.
22. Most likely to fall asleep on date night.
23. Most likely to have a child who ends up in therapy when they’re older.
24. Most likely to end up in therapy herself.
I think I could be nominated for all of these…well…maybe not numbers 4 and 5 and hopefully not 23, but I will probably screw my kid up somehow no matter how hard I try not to. I guess that’s motherhood! What categories would you and your mom friends win? Feels free to add your own superlative in the comments!