The Mom With Multiple Personalities

Let’s face it, as moms, we are never just one type. We have multiple personalities. I have multiple mom personalities. On any given day, I don’t even know which one will make an appearance. Who you get usually depends on the moods and behaviors of my little one. Or what time of day it is. Or if my husband remembered to put the car seat in my car the night before. At any given time of day, whether at my house or out in public, you are guaranteed to be greeted by one of these mommies.

Happy Mommy: Happy Mommy typically means we had an extremely smooth morning routine. My son woke up sometime after 7 a.m., entertained himself until I got out of bed thirty minutes later, ate all his breakfast, got dressed without a fight, and needed no persuading to get in the car to go to school on time. Happy Mommy sticks around when the day is almost meltdown-free. I love happy Mommy. So does my husband. Happy Mommy is nicer on phone calls to him. She doesn’t nag or bark orders as much. She even might be inclined to give blow a job at the end of the day! She also comes out at night when my son has gone to bed. Happy Mommy sits on the couch with a glass of wine and binges on Netflix. Happy Mommy hopes she will reappear the following morning but you just never know.

Scary Mommy: Scary Mommy might be the norm around here these days, at least where appearances are concerned. Scary Mommy often drops her son off at school hoping she makes it to drop-off in time so she doesn’t have to get out of the car and expose the fact that her hair isn’t brushed, her face isn’t washed, and she might still be wearing the clothes she slept in or has at least changed into fresh sweatpants. And a bra is definitely not part of that outfit. It’s very possible that Scary Mommy is going home to go back to sleep after drop off and hopefully take a shower. But if it’s a choice between showering and napping, she probably chooses the nap.

Impatient Mommy: Impatient Mommy needs to get out the door NOW. But her son moves at a snail’s pace as he leaves the house, insists on closing the door “all by himself,” and walks in the opposite direction of the car, forcing Mommy to chase after him, all before he decides he now has to go potty forcing us back into the house so we can repeat the whole process again. Impatient Mommy wants to scream when her son has asked WHY for the eighty fifth time about something she really doesn’t know the answer to. Impatient Mommy wants to turn up the music in the car and drown out the constant “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” coming from the back seat. She just wants two minutes of no questions, no Mommies–just two minutes of silence. Impatient Mommy is Mommy’s least favorite personality because she usually precedes the appearance of Mean Mommy (see below), snaps, raises her voice and sometimes loses her shit when all she wishes she could do is breathe and remain calm.

Lazy Mommy: Lazy Mommy doesn’t feel like parenting. Or adulting for that matter. She’s woken up early by her little one, leaving her tired and cranky. She’s already decided she’s going back to sleep after she drops her son off at preschool. She feeds him whatever he wants for breakfast, even if that means Annie’s bunny snacks. She gives her son cereal or picks up Chick-fil-A for dinner, skips the bath, and discretely skips pages while reading her son books before bed. She can’t even be bothered to make herself dinner. Her dinner consists of a slice of challah bread or pretzels and hummus. She’s in bed by eight and doesn’t answer any phone calls or texts. She is pretty useless by that time as a mom and partner. Lazy Mommy desperately hopes a good night’s sleep will lead to waking up as Happy Mommy the next morning.

Mean Mommy: Mean Mommy just can’t take the tantrums anymore. She doesn’t have anything left in her to enter into negotiations with her whiny child, so she raises her voice and always makes the situation worse. Mean Mommy could also be referred to as Bitchy Mommy. Mean Mommy feels guilt  over her behavior and the shame that comes with believing you are a terrible mother. Mean Mommy needs Nice Daddy to come home and take over so she can go into her room and try her best to morph into Happy Mommy. Mean Mommy hopes she will do better tomorrow.

Overwhelmed Mommy: Overwhelmed Mommy feels like it’s all just too much. She is sometimes also known as Exhausted Mommy. Overwhelmed/Exhausted Mommy “just can’t even.” She slept like shit. Partly because her son woke up in the middle of the night because there was a wolf in his room. She can’t take another tantrum. She doesn’t want to be touched, not by her son who wants to jump on her or her husband who wants to cuddle. Her patience is depleted. She has nothing left in her to give. She has no interest in socializing. Her words come out jumbled. She questions her decision to become a parent. She thinks about selling her child. She calls him an asshole to herself and informs her husband he needs to take over when he gets home. She apologizes for having nothing left. She thanks her husband for handling it and understanding that this sometimes happens to her after a long, stressful day. She dreams of escaping to a hotel for 24 hours just to sleep. She needs to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.

Hormonal Mommy: Hormonal mommy makes her appearance once a month. She cries more than usual and is solely interested in bread and chocolate. You don’t want to get in Hormonal Mommy’s way about anything. Not how she is parenting. Not about what she is eating. Not about the fact that she did nothing all day. Hormonal Mommy can take the form of Hangry Mommy too, so stay out of her way when she decides to eat a box of cookies for dinner. Hormonal Mommy needs everyone, especially her husband to just agree with her and tell her it’s okay to eat said box of cookies for dinner. Hormonal Mommy knows she’s being a bitch and texts her mommy friends to let them know about her horrible attitude. Somehow, this makes Hormonal Mommy feel better because she feels understood as these friends had just recently warped into Hormonal Mommies too.

Grateful Mommy: Grateful Mommy stops to appreciate the quality time she is spending with her son, even when he’s using her as a human trampoline or punching bag. The sound of his laughter. His curiosity and imagination. The smile on his face and the excited “MOMMY!” that flies out of his mouth when she picks him up from school. The cuddle time while watching movies. The hugs and kisses he freely gives without prompting. She realizes one day he will grow up and she will miss these days when he tells her she is his only best friend. Grateful mommy doesn’t appear as much as Mommy would like her to, but she promises she’s working on it.

The moral of the story is that no matter who we are as moms on any given day, being a mom is hard and we are all just doing the best we can. What multiple mom personalities do you have?

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