I Hate You Toys!

Remember when you thought you had to buy your baby all the toys? And what ended up happening was that they gave zero fucks about any of them and played with the boxes the toys came in? Or could spend hours entertaining themselves with red solo cups and empty water bottles? I miss those peaceful days where toys didn’t talk to me when I walked past them in the dark, causing me to momentarily think there is a stranger lurking in my kitchen.

I regret not enjoying clean carpets where my child couldn’t leave things out for me to step barefoot on, resulting in shouts of, “SHIT! OUCH! MY FOOT! I HATE YOU TOYS!” and having temporary amnesia the next morning when my son asks where his little blue race car is because during mommy’s toy rage, she happily chucked that little fucker in the garbage and didn’t feel one ounce of remorse.

Here’s a list of five toys I secretly dream about going all Office Space on (you know when they take a bat to that obnoxious printer that always jammed). Or at least throw out in the trash when my child isn’t paying attention.

1. Cash Register
While I think it’s adorable when my son gives me a grocery bag, instructs me to fill it with fake food from his kitchen, and asks me to pay him, I swear our Learning Resources Cash Register is possessed. Cash registers shouldn’t talk with the exception of verbally saying the number my kid is pushing. Why do toy cash registers need to ask you if you want to play with them. It’s kind of creepy! Especially when I go into the kitchen at night, in the dark, and all of a sudden a voice asks me, “Want to play? Want to play?” I jump back scared, forgetting we have a talking cash register living in our kitchen, not a home invader. And in my head (because I don’t want to wake up my son), I yell, “NO I DON’T WANT TO PLAY! SHUT UP! I KNOW I TURNED YOU OFF! WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO ME?”

2. Fisher-Price Little People Lil Movers Airplane
My son is in the airplane phase. He loves airplanes-flying on real ones and playing with toy ones. I don’t mind all of the airplanes he owns, well at least the silent ones. But the airplane that talks and sings? With it’s annoying words and lyrics that I constantly have in my head? That I find myself humming before I go to bed at night? Yeah, that airplane has to go. Especially after last week when I let my son bring it in the car and he forgot to bring it back in the house. I realized it was still in the backseat because every time I hit a bump, that annoying fucking song would play–Adios, Au Revoir, Sayonara, Goodbye, fasten your seat belts, it’s time to fly. No I don’t want to say goodbye in four languages, fasten my seat belt and fly on your stupid talking airplane! But I will give you a one way flight straight to the trash can if you can’t be quiet the rest of the car ride home!

3. Let’s Go Fishin’ Game
I want to meet the inventor of this game so I can punch him in the face. I bought this game thinking it would be great for my son’s gross motor skills. It turns out, the only thing it’s been great for is injuring my precious feet from stepping on those little fish that never make it back inside their plastic moving pond. My son used those crappy little fishing poles for five minutes before he decided it was too easy and it would be way more fun to turn the playroom carpet into the ocean and dump the fish everywhere and then freak out when it came time to cleaning up. At the threat of taking the fish game away forever, he picked them up one by one and returned them to their home. Except for that red one in the corner the I just stepped on. “FUCK!” Do you think he left it there on purpose?

4. Drum Sticks of Any Kind
I thought drum sticks were for hitting drums. Isn’t that why they are called DRUM sticks. Apparently my three-year old disagrees. Drum sticks are for drumming on everything that is not a drum–the refrigerator, the door, the floor, the cabinets, the window, the dog, my legs, my head. What was I thinking when I bought those red drum sticks? I was obviously and temporarily taken over by the cuteness he demonstrated using them at music class. Why would I ever think he would behave differently at home? Yes my son loves music but no body better even think about buying him a real drum set, unless they are willing to have it returned to them accompanied by an adorable three-year old who likes to hit everything with sticks.

5. Legos
I know you are all with me on this one. All our kids are obsessed with Legos, which would be perfectly fine if they were also obsessed with cleaning them up. And when they do clean them up, why do they always miss a few or lose a few. And these lost Legos always get found by parents stepping on them and crying out in anger and pain. Sometimes I think Legos have a life of their own because they magically and inconveniently turn up on all the floors when the lights are out. It’s as if they know exactly when we will be walking somewhere in the dark and they just present themselves face up so we can step on them and they can mentally high five each other and say, “Ha! That’s for trying to put us away. We got you good. Oh and how’s that foot feeling now?!”

It’s not as if these toys are like your pre-pregnancy clothes you will fit back into one day (and I will fit into them someday). Your kids will never play with them again as they get older and interested in new stuff, so why feel guilty about chucking them? Okay, if you’re having more kids, I guess you have to keep them for now. I’m not, so once we outgrow them, I’m packing them up, donating them, or passing them on to whichever one of our siblings gets knocked up first! It can be their turn to invest in extra bandaids for all the cuts they will get on their feet from those fucking little fish and Legos I know my kid purposely left face up when he decided not to clean up after building a fire station for Superman. Last time I checked, Superman didn’t live or work in a fire station!

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