We are all guilty of it. I’m guilty of it. All the time. Looking at all of your Facebook and Instagram posts (friends and celebrities included), overcome with jealousy that your life raising tiny humans looks way more glamorous and so much easier than mine. Especially when you post those family photos and definitely when you post the ones from vacation. I swear if you go by Facebook and Instagram, everyone takes these amazing, easy vacations with their little ones but me. And they all love it. Smiling, happy, with your annoying hash tags and posts: “Heaven on earth.” “No place I’d rather be.” “This is everything.” “Live for these moments.” Celebrities, maybe what we don’t see is you handing your little ones off to their nannies after the photos and videos are taken. That would make so much more sense to me.
Well guess what, we just got home from a family vacation to Aspen. Yup, that’s right Aspen. And Aspen is dripping in glamour and money and beautiful people. And all the while we are there, I’m posting videos and photos on Instagram and Facebook of how excited my tiny human is to get there and see his grandparents and snow, which we obviously don’t get to see a lot of because we live in the south. Videos from the airport, photos from the airplane of my cute little son wheeling his cute little monogrammed Pottery Barn Kids suitcase and singing, “Aspen, Aspen, let’s go to Aspen!”
And that was me checking in to the Jas Cafe at The Little Nell with all the fabulous people who live and vacation there while my little one was sleeping soundly at the hotel room with grandma and grandpa. Then, photos and videos of his excitement at going to ski school for the first time. “Mommy, I going ski school and I going to throw snow balls.” All he wants to do is throw snow balls and it really is adorable. Okay one more video of my small child in his Moncler ski outfit playing in the snow smiling ear to ear after ski school. And you will all think and maybe even be a little jealous of this amazing trip your mom friend took to Aspen. Luxury hotel, extra help from Grandma and Grandpa, great shopping, amazing restaurants, etc. But guess what, it’s complete and utter bullshit! A total lie!
Yes I’m glad we went. Yes I loved waiting to watch my little one ride the magic carpet up and ski down the bunny hill. But if my posts told the truth, they would say things such as: “We are on an airplane, sit the fuck down!” “Go the fuck to sleep.” “Stop throwing shit.” “Don’t hit the kid on the bus next to us.” “Stop screaming in every restaurant.” “Stop telling Grandma to go away all the time.” “Thank God for the iPad, lollipops, and hot chocolate.” So here is what you didn’t see from our wonderful Aspen vacation. I thought bullet points would be most efficient here.
*A fourteen hour travel day to Aspen where small child refuses to sit down on airplane, doesn’t fall asleep, lies about having to go potty just to get candy, shouts the word boobies over and over again, and tries to spit on people like a camel.
*Meltdowns every time small child doesn’t want to do something. This includes but is not limited to sleeping, bathing, eating, getting dressed, and going to dinner with Grandma and Grandpa without mommy and daddy.
*Meltdowns every time small child doesn’t want to stop doing something. This includes but is not limited to throwing snow, playing in the snow, playing with toys, jumping on the bed, staying awake, and screaming.
*Mommy and daddy getting frustrated with each other because of above meltdowns.
*The amount of wine mommy consumes while in Aspen.
*Like clockwork, small child waking up crying at midnight, needing more books and soothing to go back to sleep. And let’s not forget him begging to sleep in mommy’s bed while daddy is passed out snoring.
*Each morning small child opening the door, half dressed for ski school, running down the hotel hallway, trying to knock on other people’s doors and mommy running after him to catch him before he rings any doorbells.
*Grandpa’s effective system of discipline where he says, “Be cool, be cool” whenever his grandson throws a tantrum or has a meltdown.
*Grandma’s helicopter system where she hovers constantly over her grandson and can’t relax. This actually stresses mommy and daddy out way more than it is helpful.
*14 hour travel day home where we are delayed in Vail for an hour, miss our connection in Dallas, and don’t get home until almost after midnight. While in Vail, small child asks to go to the airport gift shop to get a stuffed animal, but instead knocks over all displays.
Maybe your Facebook/Instagram life isn’t a total lie like mine. And maybe it is. Maybe you like traveling with your small children. Well, guess what, I hate it! I’m just not built like that and I own it. I’m not ashamed to say I like easy travel. I would much rather go away with adults and leave my toddler home. A close friend texted me while we were in Aspen and asked how my son was and I replied, “He’s great…when he is in ski school or sleeping.” I’m sure I will like traveling with my small child one day too. I think when he is five. Everyone keeps telling me toddlers grow out of their asshole phase by age five. Only two years and two months to go!