New 2016 Goal: Be Jenna Dewan Tatum

OMG! Holy fuck! You need to watch the above clip from Celebrity Lip Sync Battle where Jenna Dewan-Tatum competes against her gorgeous husband, Channing Tatum. She performs Pony, as in Channing’s beyond sexy, stripper dance routine from MAGIC MIKE XXL. Holy hotness! I think she might be hotter than him! I have a new girl crush and it’s Jenna and her abs and her moves. Um why can’t I dance like that? Don’t you think that Jenna and Tatum have the hottest, craziest sex? Well that’s what I would like to think! And if I’m being honest, I’m incredibly jealous. So my new 2016 goal? Be Jenna Dewan-Tatum! Here is a list of everything I will need to do to accomplish this goal.

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WTF, Equinox!

Equinox, what the fuck is with this ad? It’s fucked up. I don’t know how to say it any other way. I’m not sure what your message is. I get the tagline COMMIT TO SOMETHING. It’s a new year and you want people to join your gym and commit to their health and fitness. Fine! Or maybe you are saying, “commit to anything, just commit to something.” Great! I’m all for that too. But why the model who doesn’t even have children, breastfeeding twins who aren’t even hers? Oh and she just happens to be in an LBD looking very glamorous. What does this possibly have to do with your gym?

Are you advocating breastfeeding now? I read in the New York Post that supporters of the ad like that equinox is “normalizing breastfeeding.” I’m confused. Please explain to me what is normal about breastfeeding twins that aren’t yours in haute couture at a party. Maybe I would get it more Equinox if you used a less glamorous image. Show what it really looks like when you commit to breastfeeding. Way to go joining the ranks of mom shamers.

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I Want to Punch you in the Face!

I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now or how I should be feeling. Angry? Anxious? Guilty? Resentment? Fear? Exhausted? Yes, definitely exhausted. Maybe that is the problem when you’re a mom. The divide between how you are actually feeling and how you should be feeling or how you think you should be feeling.

For the past few nights, my almost three year-old has not only fought going to sleep, but he has woken up screaming like clockwork right around midnight. It doesn’t help that we are on vacation and he shares a tiny room with my husband and me. He sleeps in his own bed next to ours.

And who do you ask wakes up with the little one? Well, his mom of course! I actually physically wake up the minute I hear him, like I have some internal mom radar. Where is my husband you might ask? Oh, he is next to me, sleeping soundly and snoring even louder. In creeps the resentment and anger. I want to scream at him, “HOW COULD YOU SLEEP THROUGH YOUR CHILD WAKING UP CRYING???!”

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Effing Carbs and Effing Chuck E. Cheese

Well, I didn’t exactly make January 1, 2016 my bitch. But I did make something my bitch. What you might ask? Carbs! Yes, I made carbs my bitch! I didn’t mean to. I was supposed to wake up, walk 10,000 steps, fit in a yoga class to kick off the new year, and eat protein. Was there protein? Of course. Lots of protein.

There was extra crispy bacon (on top of three pancakes with maple syrup). Then there was chicken salad (on top of a warm, buttery croissant that I shared with the 3 year-old daughter of a friend). And finally there was chicken and beef (on top of hummus, accompanied by basmati rice, fresh baked pita and lentils with fried onions). Oh and don’t forget the two kinds of baklava for dessert. Oops! That’s what happens when you binge watch Narcos on Netflix for New Year’s Eve with your husband and red wine. The funny thing is, our New Year’s Eve dinner was 100% carb free and we didn’t even have dessert. WTF! So I’m great on the last day of the year but fuck up the first day of the new year.

Or maybe it was the three hours we spent at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday morning.

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